You BETTER Watch Out!

Years ago, Ralph and I discovered we both owned that bound behemoth (nearly the same weight and dimensions as the stone tablet onto which the covenant had been hewn), the photo book, "Christmas in America." Further delight ensued when we flipped to the double-truck of an elderly couple displaying their collection of Santa Claus dolls. The santas ranged in size from elfin to milk can (all within the suspected parameters of creepy). And there, amongst those frozen rosy faces, stared a close relative of Ralph's beloved Satanic Santa.

You remember the Satanic Santa? We wrote about him here. Here is the original iconic photo (before he went to the dogs):

My wife and I moved to California this year (that's what potential editors of iconic biographies of great New Yorkers do), so two yuletide issues arose.

First, I did not bring "Christmas in America" with me. What would I do when Ralph calls? I couldn't lie to the fella. So I trolled Google Images in what I assumed to be a vain attempt to find that image. I mean, it's a big book -- the chances of that particular page being scanned seemed slim. Alas, there it was! A Christmas miracle! So, when Big Pops called me yesterday, I was all ready for him.

Secondly, I would get no visit from Satanic Santa this year. But some Christmas elves took pity on me and put these long-lost brothers of ol' SS in my path:

 

These fellas are so creepy they make me pine for the familiar leer of the original Satanic Santa (seen here with his old friend the Phackelope).

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all you OaKers! Great strides will be made (and many quite wild stories will be told) this year by that kid from the Bronx, Big Pops himself, Ralph Fuccillo!

Santa's Advance Man

Shh! What's that? Is it up on the roof? A little rustling? A faint scurrying? No, it's not the roof. Maybe by the fireplace, a flash of red, a wink of green... CRASH! That came from the kitchen!

Yes, there he is at the counter with a mouthful of bocconotti (those sweet Calabresi tartlets) and powdered sugar on his dark top: THE ITALIAN ELF He's back!

The Italian Elf -- that voice in the tundra, that precursor with the thick Bronx accent, heralding the approach of Santa Nicola!

Only instead of giving gifts, like Babbo Natale, he pops into your cubicle looking for treats for himself (preferably Jordan almonds or Almonda Rocha). So have a bowl at hand, kids and coworkers -- the Italian Elf is here!

Merry Christmas, all you OaKers (that's Once-a-Kid-ers)!

"Get Your Own Cake," Says Birthday Boy!

Has it been a year already? Yep, it's the Kid's birthday again! He's been writing up a storm lately (Ralph does his best work while on vacation, and in the last year he's been to Tokyo and Kansas, banging out memories by the mile). The wild stories, from the past and present, keep coming. Wait'll you hear his personal history of the Yankees! As amateur editor of this Italian-American opus, I can attest to Ralph's bottomless well of wonders. Happy birthday, Big Fella! 

The Kid Endorses a Presidential Candidate

Once again Ralph endorses the late Pat Paulsen for President. Although Paulsen died fifteen years ago, his chances are still pretty good up against this year's gems. Here's the Kid meeting Mr. Paulsen in Hollywood in  1968 or '69. A woman with a head like a Jai alai basket patiently waits for a hug.

Big Pops Meets Big Beard (Updated)

I don't have much info about this photo except that it's from 1968 when Ralph visited California with his parents. I guess I can put a call in to the Kid for the info, but I'll just wait for the update. I'm pretty sure this is Hollywood and that is not Gabby Hayes (this gentleman's posture is too good).

But I'll tell you what I THINK Ralph's saying to himself: "35 cents for a half an hour? Forget it. Too much!"

UPDATE: Ralph responds: "That happens to be none other than Wild Bill Tucker, who can make any bird call at will." Of course, the Kid never forgets. Wild Bill Tucker was a real Hollywood character ("unofficial greeter at Grauman's Chinese Theatre"), often seen on the Boulevard. In an article in the Portsmouth Times, August 13, 1964, Wild Bill says, "I can make any sound you name; here's a hurricane." There's not much info about him online. Last reference I can find is in article from '72. He's most likely passed away by now, as he'd be well over 100. He's probably in that great mustache wax factory in the sky!

Leave it to Ralph to get us (well, me) talking about Wild Bill Tucker again!

The Official Back Book Flap Photograph

The back of the photo reads, "Our first apartment - 1971 - Ralph studying." I can't add much to this description, but I will offer my aesthetic impression. This is not only the greatest photograph of a human being, but I believe the single most important photograph since the dawn of the process. It might even succeed the cave paintings of the Chauvet-Pont-d'Arc Cave in significance.

I don't know if the zipper's down for a little ventilation or if it's broken.

If it's broken, would you call a tailor or an upholsterer?

And They Lived Happily Ever After...

Ralph and Red (the original Irish Rodeo Clown himself, John Regan) outside Red's house in Chester, New York, early 70s. Once a Kid would be a slimmer volume were it not for the wild adventures Ralph shared with Red. He's Dean Moriarity to Ralph's Sal Paradise. Dr. Gonzo to Ralph's Raoul Duke. Or vice versa. Or neither. Soon, the world will be using them as examples: "He's the Red to my Ralph."

Raphael Milhous Nixon

Once a Kid returns! Ah, Summer, when a young Italian's heart turns to travel! Here we see a teenage Ralph doing his best Richard Nixon. He's smiling because, on the way out of the plane, he stuffed the pockets full of peanuts. The photo's dated "Aug '67", but that might just be when it was developed -- this was pre-Instagram days, kids.

You might be mumbling to yourself, too embarrassed to ask aloud, "Is he in his pajamas?" I'm not sure. The other options are it's a modified Nehru jacket or he's on his way to a Male Nurse convention.

We here at "Once a Kid" are happy to be back. Whenever Ralph puts the writing of the memoir aside, I suspend the blog. When his devotion wanes, my ennui sets in. But the Kid's been scribbling again, composing pages of quotes from that cast of characters who've colored his life. Keep 'em coming, big fella!

The Magnificent Seventh Inning Stretch!

He's back!The kid does the stretch! Good to see ol' Ralphie Boy strutting in the bleachers. Back in the Bronx for a recharge! Surely the Yankees won after such a display!

Surely, they didn't. Those bums!

Parker Street Monologues #4

Now you too can learn how to do "The Bow-legged Chicken" and other dances (well, just one other dance). Ralph once again takes us back to the Bronx and his school days at Santa Maria School.

Please do not attempt these dances with a bad back (the poor fella was bent over like u cucciarell for days).

(I realize the video says this is PSM #3, but it's really #4. Do you know what a hassle it is for me to edit that with the equipment I use?)